Three - Review
Review by Jack Foley
THE Blue Lagoon meets Dead Calm and Lost in Kelly Brook’s Three, a vacuous desert island flick that’s as flimsy as the superstar’s white bikini.
Writer-director Stewart Raffill’s film is notable for seeing how many excuses he can find for his hapless heroine to strip off as well as for watching just how hilariously ludicrous proceedings can become, but it’s a shipwreck of a movie in all other senses.
Brook stars as Jennifer, the trophy wife of rich, obnoxious businessman Jack (Billy Zane), who sets sail on a lavish private cruise under the watchful gaze of the vessel’s boathand, Manuel (Juan Pablo di Pace). When a fire breaks out on board, the holidaymakers are forced to abandon ship and are promptly washed up on a remote island.
Jennifer and Manuel find each other first and set about preparing the island as best as they can for survival but the belated arrival of Jack creates a sexual tension between the trio, particularly as he grows increasingly paranoid about his wife’s loyalty and Manuel’s role in the ship’s demise.
Three clearly wants to be a tense, erotic thriller that explores man’s primal nature. But it ends up becoming an over-extended FHM photo shoot populated by one-dimensional characters.
Not one of the three principal characters is worth caring about, while each take it in turns to plumb new depths of stupidity in terms of their actions.
Zane, in particular, seems to be parodying his own psychopathic performances in films like Dead Calm and Titanic by operating without any sense of logic, while di Pace flits between hysterical and passionate without ever convincing the audience he is either.
An unexplained sub-plot involving a past lover and a voodoo curse only serves to make his character seem more idiotic.
Brook, meanwhile, desperately tries to take things seriously and keep the peace but is all too often reduced to a sex object that’s there purely to ignite the men’s (and viewers) passions. There are countless shots of her sunbathing and/or tossing her (well groomed) hair back, while the love scene between her and di Pace even comes complete with soft-porn style music.
The best thing that can be said about Three is that it looks like a masterpiece when viewed alongside Madonna’s Swept Away – but both serve notice that films about desert islands seldom work. In all other respects, Three is awash with ineptitude and is best left beached.
Running time: 100 mins