Eastbound & Down - Kenny Powers' Lifestyle Guide
Compiled by Jack Foley
To celebrate this week’s release of the hilarious Eastbound & Down Season 3 on Blu-ray and DVD (out October 8, 2012) we look through all the wisdom Kenny has to offer in this Eastbound and Down lifestyle guide.
This includes Kenny’s knowledge of style, success, sex, and transport. Kenny’s constant brazen attitude is always in full swing in every episode of Eastbound and Down, but here is a glimpse of the arrogant man himself.
Kenny Powers is the essence of style, from his mullet to his sleeveless T-shirts, Kenny is quite familiar with the hefty task of being stylish in everyday life.
Kenny Powers: Oh, what do I know? I know that one of us had their own personal stylist, and one of us shoplifts their sh*t from Fashion Bug. That’s what I know.
Kenny Powers: I’m wearing all black. Outlaws wear black. Fags and cocaine dealers wear white.
Kenny Powers: Now I know you’re not a natural beauty, but I think with the right clothes and the right look you could be very striking
Kenny Powers: Once again I’m with the hottest chick in town, buyin’ the most expensive fashions, dinin’ in the fanciest food places, riding around on goddamn jet skis. Rainin’ trim. Hallucinogens. Jet skis again. Throwin’ heat. And getting laid.
Kenny Powers: What’s crackin’, ya’ll? Base tan is lookin’ nice. I’m hopin’ to get there myself this season
Stevie Janowski: Well, this is retro baby chic. I modeled this after a spread I saw in the latest Southern Living. Do you like it?
Kenny Powers: Let me think about that for a second. No! I f*cking hate it! Tear it down, start over. Restart!
Stevie Janowski: I’m gonna wash the glue off of my head, rip off my f*ckin’ eyebrows, and we’re gonna go get your f*ckin’ son.
Kenny Powers: I would really love the opportunity to change into more street fighting appropriate clothes.
Kenny Powers: You know what I think you need? I think I should call a f*ckin’ sitter, and then you and I go out for a bomb-ass evening, in Myrtle f*cking Beach. Proper. f*ckin’ awesome style. I think it would do you and I both some good to get out and have some fun without the baby pulling us down for once.
Kenny Powers: Dudes got d*ck for style. He’s got no showmanship or personal pizzazz. Its like watching a f*cking pitching machine.
Kenny Powers: I mean, no offense, but you got a sh*tty job, you’re not quite as tall as me, nobody really respects you.
You have me on the other hand. I got the glory, I got the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, f*cking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg…
Basically all the sh*t that most guys fantasize about.
A retired MLB baseball player, Kenny Powers’ prime of his career is indeed in the past. His current endeavours at success involve ‘writing’ his biography through voice recordings. His self-praise, confidence, and articulate language are true signs of his success.
Kenny Powers: Nah dude! This is a real job, not like teaching kids. You can’t get fucked up.
Kenny Powers Audiobook: Sometimes you gotta get back in the f*cking game
Kenny Powers: Funny thing, when you’re on top of the world, every motherfucker wants to get a piece of your ass. But then, you take a little time off from being unstoppable… just to… regroup and relax, no one will give you the time of fuckin’ day.
Kenny Powers: With a true champion face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.
And my ass ain’t no pussy. My ass is a f*cking champion
Kenny Powers: Just stay good at what you’re doing, which is I guess being poor.
Kenny Powers Audiobook: It’s time I accept the fact that the glory days of my life are now behind me. Just like Neil Armstrong, I went to space and now I’m back, and nobody gives a sh*t.
Kenny Powers Audiobook: I’m not saying this from personal experience, I’m just saying in general, if you find someone you don’t like in your family, it is perfectly okay to f*ck them over.
Kenny Powers (To his infant son, Toby): Toby, what do you want from me? I’ve been super cool to you, I’ve given you a bowl of chex mix and water. Why are you making curses upon me?
How do I erase this curse? If I give you this toy will you stop fucking up my life Toby?
Kenny Powers: Stay in school. Fight the power. And don’t do drugs.. Unless of course you’re doing them with me… Never turn down free drugs.
Kenny Powers Audiobook: There have been many great comebacks throughout history. Jesus was dead but then came back as an all-powerful god zombie. Ryan O’Neal had his ups and downs, but is now back and better than ever.
A self proclaimed womanizer, Kenny Powers is ultra confident when it comes to the ladies. His suave style mixed with his vulgarity make him the perfect woman slayer. Follow in his footsteps and you soon will be too!
Kenny Powers: All right, you stoic little bastard. In the computer room – little second drawer where I keep my weed, underneath the hand gun, there’s a stack of porn that will put calluses on those little hands of yours.
Kenny Powers Audiobook: I got this country wet, and now its time to bend this bitch over and make her cum.
Kenny Powers: Why would you do this to me? Here this whole time I thought you were the whore with a heart of gold. Instead you’re just a whore with a real whore’s heart.
Kenny Powers: Maybe don’t lay in her all goddamn day, you got some packing to do.
Kenny Powers: And, you know, if you want to bang that weird woman one more time for the memories, I will allow it.
Kenny Powers: That sweet tailpipe of yours did have me charmed. It put a spell on me, but all the ass magic in Mexico can’t change Kenny Powers from his core beliefs. I’m not an ass man. I’m a tit man. I like big ass boobs – now, and forever. I’m not like a black guy, Vida.
Stevie Janowski: Guess you’re gonna go f*ck April now, huh? Probably.
Kenny Powers: Probably? Definitely. Maybe we’ll start off slow with a welcome home blowjob or something, but we’ll see how it goes. Light some candles, heat up a f*ckin’ Lean Cuisine, and go to town.
Shane: T-minus five seconds from us gettin’ jerked and worked by two smokin’ f*ckin’ hotties.
Kenny Powers: I never saw myself as a one woman kinda guy, but I guess that’s what true love will do to a man.
Kenny Powers: Well, I will be able to break you off a little bit. I’ll be able to slap it, but I won’t have time to flip it and rub it down. Translation: I’m not sure if both of us are gonna cum.
Blonde Girl: What the f*ck, you promised!
Kenny Powers: Yeah, I know, I’m pissed too. But I had some last minute sh*t pop up I gotta tend to. Now why don’t you get that beautiful pussy outta them tight jean shorts.
Kenny Powers: I’m gettin’ all tongue-tied here. Basically, I think it’s high time you set that pussy free. Set it free. Set the pussy free.
Always sporting around in a different type of vehicle, the Panty Dropper, his Jet Ski, is his favourite means of getting around. Here are ten hilarious Kenny Powers quotes about his modes of transportation.
Kenny Powers: Yeah, I’ve actually had multiple orgasms on jet skis. Maybe it’s something in our blood that we can just ya know, get hard from riding f*ckin badass ya know, terrain vehicles… water crafts.
Stevie Janowski: I hope we get into a fucking car wreck, and then we die, and we get to see each other in heaven.
Kenny Powers: We’re not gonna get into a car wreck, because I’m an excellent driver.
[Kenny drinks a can of beer as he drives]
Kenny Powers: Not if you don’t clean up this goddamn jetski so I can get the f*ck outta here. Come on, get back to it. I can’t go to goddam Myrtle Beach with the most disgusting jetski man has ever seen.
Kenny Powers: Looks like KP’s about to titty f*ck this wave. Adios!
Kenny Powers: We’re pulling in to port soon, they’re gonna cut the open bar off, and we need to get sh*t-faced.
Kenny Powers: I will have this car back, tonight, without a goddamn scratch on it, or my name isn’t Kenny f*cking Powers.
Kenny Powers: Saying goodbye to you is gonna hurt. I’ve ripped up alot of awesome waves on this boogeyboard. Basically owned this goddamned beach. Adios friend.
Kenny Powers: This is my friend’s truck, so don’t mess with the bass settings, or try and drive it or anything.
Shane: Well, I’m the guy that’s about to whip your ass for gettin’ my truck shot with a cannonball motherf*cker.
Kenny Powers: We bought the same truck. The only difference is mine has a cannonball in the tailagte that’s how we’d always tell ’em apart.
Kenny Powers: It’s the keys to the Panty Dropper. If you’re gonna stay in Myrtle and become a man, than you’re sure as hell gonna need a man’s water recreational vehicle.