My Top Ten Turkies of 2001 - Simon Bell

A much easier task on the surface, rounding up Cinema 2001's biggest abominations proved even more troublesome. With such a wealth of misused money and squandered opportunity, one would need a Top Forty to give a true picture of the drivel plastered indiscriminately across the screens this year.

While spared the horror of What Women Want and Pay it Forward, my list is also without what proved to be so incomprehensibly bad as to have never even promised mild entertainment in the first place (I have in mind here Red Planet, Dracula 2001 and Crocodile Dundee in LA).

Let the grimace of terror remembered begin…

10

Title: Chocolat

Dir: Lasse Hallstrom

Box office bullion, but made my spine curl. What's wrong with the world?


9

Title: Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

Dir: Simon West & Stephen Herek

Dumb cinema at its dumbest. Repeated bashings over the head with a mallet will instil the same dull brain-ache.


8

Title: Mean Machine

Dir: Barry Skolnick

Pissed freely over Robert Aldrich's 1973 original. Vinnie Jones may be able to act… but he can't carry an entire movie.


7

Title: Serendipity

Dir: Peter Chelsom

As sickly sweet as the creamy chocolate mocha whips consumed by the film's twee protagonists.


6

Title: Pearl Harbour

Dir: Michael Bay

An obvious choice, but for anyone who's had the misfortune, a must.


5

Title: A.I.

Dir: Steven Spielberg

A scene-stealing teddy anyone? And with an ending that has to be seen to be believed.


4

Title: Driven

Dir: Renny Harlin

Almost knocking Speed off the exalted Top Turkey of all time post. As much fun as eating hot coal.


3

Title: Thirteen Days

Dir: Roger Donaldson

That JFK… even his shits smell of roses.


2

Title: Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Dir: John Madden

Book promised much. Film delivered little. Insulted the intelligence of its audience and constantly distracted with wincingly bad accents (not just Nic Cage).


1

Title: Enemy At The Gates

Dir: Jean Jacques Annaud

A cockney Russian sharpshooter…? Other than this, laughably predictable in every way. A mangy dog's rather than a poor man's Saving Private Ryan.