My Top Ten Turkies of 2002 - Jack Foley

AS USUAL, for every good film Hollywood puts out, there are two or three stinkers waiting just around the corner! So the yelp of delight which greets the invitation for Gangs of New York or Spider-Man, for example, is quickly replaced by a headache-inducing groan when word of Scooby Doo (on a Sunday morning!) reaches you.

This year's turkies came thick and fast, with some truly diabolical movies out there. Choosing ten was easy - even though I had the good fortune to avoid seeing some of the worst offenders (Black Knight, A Walk To Remember, Boat Trip or Snow Dogs, for example).

But there were plenty of yawn-inducing, snooze-fests to sit through. Fallen giant, Kevin Costner, for example, prompted one critic (sat beside me) to lament that 'life is too short for films like that', following a screening of the 90-odd minute Dragonfly, while the lumbering Jim Carrey epic, The Majestic, was nothing like its title suggests!

Worse still, was the criminally unfunny pairing of Robert DeNiro and Eddie Murphy in Showtime, the wooden Samantha Mumba alongside Guy Pierce in The Time Machine, or the pointless collaboration between the demented Steve Irwin and half the Australian outback in The Crocodile Hunter.

But which, if any, of the aforementioned dross made the top 10 turkies. Scroll below to find out! Then why not email us with your comments - we're at


Title: Killing Me Softly (18)

An erotic thriller of death-defying stupidity made watchable by the chance to see the former Felicity Shagwell, erm, shagging well!

Dumbest scene: Heather Graham allows herself to be tied to the table by her insane boyfriend!


Title: Resident Evil (15)

Yet another game console to big screen failure which suffers from terminal blandness. Milla Jovovich tries her best but gets lost amid the laughably bad zombies.

Dumbest scene: Anything involving the laughably bad zombies.


Title: Shallow Hal (15)

The Farrelly Brothers tackle the last taboo - obesity. Jack Black falls for the beautiful woman (Gwyneth Paltrow) inside the fatty outside. A weighty subject that was anorexic on laughs.

Dumbest scene: Jack Black checks out his best friend's deformity.


Title: The Musketeer (12A)

The Three Musketeers is given The Matrix treatment with disastrous results. A blunt swashbuckler salvaged only by Tim Roth's wonderfully loathsome villain.

Dumbest scene: The awkward romance involving fallen American Beauty, Mena Suvari.


Title: 13 Ghosts (15)

The title says it all - this was a truly unlucky experience for anyone who saw it, with the usually reliable Tony Shalhoub squandering the opportunity to lead a film. Hauntingly bad!

Dumbest scene: The obvious finale.


Title: The Sweetest Thing (15)

Cameron Diaz attempts to return to the gross out glory of Something About Mary, girlie-style, and fails abysmally. There were times when you wished the seat could swallow you whole!

Dumbest scene: The 'penis song', quickly followed by the blow-job that goes wrong.


Title: Crossroads (PG)

Not really a singer, but certainly not an actress, Britney stars in the funniest film of the year - only it wasn't supposed to be! Saved from being higher in the list, only by the site of her underwear!

Dumbest scene: Britney reads her boyfriend a touching poem - or the words of 'I'm not a girl, not yet a woman'. Pass the sickbag, please!


Title: Scooby-Doo (PG)

A case of Scooby Don't, as a CGI-mutt attempted to replace the loveable Hanna Barbera cartoon classic. A real dog's dinner and a crime worthy of the great Mystery Inc themselves.

Dumbest scene: Scooby and Shaggy attempt to out-fart each other.


Title: The Adventures of Pluto Nash (PG)

It began with a toilet flush and just got worse for Eddie Murphy in this space-set gangster flick which really should have been aborted on the launch pad!

Dumbest scene: John Cleese as a computer chauffeur dispensing advice in the middle of a spacecraft chase!


Title: Rollerball (15)

Remakes are seldom a good idea, but this has to rate as one of the worst ever. Poster-boy Chris Klein fails to cut a suitably tough hero, Jean Reno camps it up embarrassingly and even Rebecca Romijn-Stamos fails to look sexy (which is darn-near impossible)!

Dumbest moment: The whole film

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