My Top Ten Turkies of 2002 - Simon Bell

WHILE I did my utmost to steer clear by a thousand fathoms of the likes of Black Knight, Boat Trip and Not Another Teen Movie, for example, I did put myself through seemingly endless hours of world class pap.

The nearly list sees Pluto Nash battling it out with xXx and a whole host of other miss-hits. But here’s the ones I would challenge anyone to argue had ANYTHING about them even remotely worth paying eight quid for…

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10

Title: The Majestic (PG)

The tagline read: 'Sometimes your life comes into focus one frame at a time.' With Frank Darabont’s overly sweetened treatment, the only thing clear was that The Majestic was bollocks.

Dumbest scene: Easily when we’re led to believe that an entire town’s population would follow a man along the high street to hear him ask a girl on a date. And I don’t care that it’s fairy-tale.


9

Title: Queen of the Damned (15)

Feel somewhat guilty including this one, bearing in mind it was such a pathetic attempt at big screen entertainment one has witnessed to make it not even worthy of derision. Aaliyah? Dead? It’s certainly no loss to the world of the theatrical arts.

Dumbest scene: Vampires chomping each other to bits in a grim, backstreet East End pub.


8

Title: Resident Evil (15)

Again, not really worthy of bad notices. No-one seemed to take this seriously (it’s based on a computer game after all). But neither did the film-makers.

Dumbest scene: Undead Dobermans anyone?


7

Title: The Wash (15)

The director’s name is DJ Pooh. Need I say more?

Dumbest scene: With no plot in sight, the entire film is one giant inconsistent episode of fluff.


6

Title: My Big Fat Greek Wedding (PG)

A big, fat, stupid movie as gloopy and colourless as Greek yoghurt. As flavourless as well.

Dumbest scene: Every one in which we’re supposed to believe that anyone, least of all John Corbett, could fall for that dump of an asexual woman. And I’m talking about AFTER the makeover.


5

Title: Vanilla Sky (15)

I’d almost forgotten just how much this film left me cold and despairing. Unbelievable rubbish. And what the hell does it all mean?

Dumbest scene: Any one with Penelope Cruz as a cutesy, pouting babydoll. She may look good, but she’s crap. When are people going to wake up?


4

Title: 28 Days Later (18)

The horror at which this was warmly received is comparable only to that felt when reading my Worst Number 3 recommended by established and respected critics. Proving Danny Boyle’s lost it and Alex Garland books should be left well alone by any production company seeking new material.

Dumbest scene: When a household full of soldiers turn in the blink of an eye into a marauding bunch of would-be rapists with NO explanation.


3

Title: Die Another Day (12A)

Pierce Brosnan looking old. A baddie as scary as Sooty and Sweep. Ice palaces. A giant beam that’s going to blow up the world. Dodgy song.

Dumbest scene: Even for Bond, an invisible car is too much. Face it, they’ve run out of ideas.


2

Title: K-Pax (12A)

Silly. Sentimental. Saccharine. Smug. Supercilious. Despite two great actors and a fairly intriguing hypothesis.

Dumbest scene: When Kevin Spacey talks to a dog.


1

Title: Black Hawk Down (15)

A load of overblown, puffed up, magnified and inexcusably racist pile of crap. Utter dogshit. Boring as hell to boot. Critics and the ticket-buying public seemed to love it. I didn’t. And all the more weird that it was the work of a British director.

Dumbest moment: As the film nears its end, we’re supposed to take in the notion that all American soldiers are God-like heroes. When will they ever learn?


RELATED STORIES: Click here for Simon's Top 10 Turkies of 2001...